Monday, May 21, 2007

Dr Google

This morning I woke up with this on my eyeball:



YIKES! Freaked me out, let me tell you. In fact, as I write this post, I'm having trouble looking at it. Need to write alot and quickly so the picture scoots up the page and I can stop staring at it. Oh, so gross.










Ok, that's better. [I very much doubt that when I actually post this sucker my little joke is going to translate onto the actual blog page, but whatever. For what it's worth, the image is no longer visible on the page I'm working on, and I'm in charge here and I say the joke stays.]

After flipping out for a few minutes (which including some high-pitched shrieking and dancing around, in between bouts of near fainting spells 'caused by looking at my little bloody eyeball patch which I sadistically couldn't keep from staring at even though it nearly made me collapse each time), my bleary-eyed husband (ha! he was bleary-eyed and I was bloody-eyed) stumbled out of bed and went straight to the computer to look up my symptoms (after looking at my eye first, of course).*

I'd never seen anything like this before in my life, especially not on my set of eyeballs. I just woke up with it. Weird. I immediately called my boss and told her I would be a little late to work, made my husband pull out the map and find the nearest hospital, and then I set about to self-diagnose myself.

We think I have this.

We eventually came to the conclusion that I was not dying, nor had a brain hemorrhage, nor did I need an immediate emergency eyeball transplant. I just needed to wait for it to go away. It doesn't affect my eyesight and I'm not in pain, so no big deal. I think. I did try several times today to go see my doctor, but he wasn't available. I might go tomorrow.

I sound very sane now, which is a good thing, but usually I give myself a MUCH, MUCH bleaker outlook. Which brings me to a little confession. I LOVE to roam the internet world anytime I feel even the slightest bit ill, scouring google for the answers to what ails me. Most of the time my diagnoses are terrible. (Oh, I can't believe I'm admitting this all to you folks on the world wide web, but keeping a blog somehow makes you want to be brutally and humiliatingly honest. It's a curse.) Over the years I've been one very sick girl, virtually speaking. This afternoon I delved a little deeper into my symptoms and, for about 5 minutes, was pretty sure I had bleeding peptic ulcers, the kind with few noticeable symptoms. I know it's a bit of a stretch to go from bleeding eyeballs to ulcers, but with google anything is possible. Perhaps the worst example was when I once decided the pain in my neck was a sure sign I had bacterial meningitis, when in reality I just needed a new pillow.

They aren't kidding when they tell you the internet is dangerous. One of these days I really will contract some crazy disease, realize the truth after an appointment with Dr Google, second-guess myself and think maybe I'm actually fine, and then wake up dead. You'll all be so sorry then, won't you?









*The most parentheses I've ever used in 1 sentence, and quite possibly my whole life. Sorry.

13 comments:

Andi said...

laura banned me from the internet when i was pregnant. i used to call her from work freaking out about things. i should probably be banned as a mother too. this morning jack won't walk. so, the logical conclusion is that he has polio. so sayeth the internet...

Crabby Rangoon said...

oh, i LOVE that I can count on my friends to make me feel normal. It's such a blessing.

Crabby Rangoon said...

PS Hope your son doesn't have polio. Seriously.

sarah z said...

Hey, my m-in-law gets those a lot -- makes her look creepy when she has a couple on each eyeball!! She sometimes gets them just by sneezing really hard! just because she's prone to them. So, in other words, it's normal and Dr. Google is right this time, it'll just go away. Oh, and I hope I didn't scare you about sneezing so that you check your eyes in the mirror every time you do from now on!

When I self diagnose on the internet, I have to remind myself that on the worst case scenario, usually the only symptom I have in the list is the one I googled in the first place, so I'm forced to rule it out, just so you can ease your mind in the future . . .

Mike & Helen said...

Hey Erika,

I had something that looked just like that after I had a ski accident some years ago. For me it was a bit more obvious why I had it (i.e. I'd smacked my face on the ground) but the doctors at the hospital said it was nothing to worry about, and would fade away in time. I think it took about 2 weeks, but it was about 10 years ago so I'm not certain - and may have been a bit more severe than what you've had.

It was great fun for getting both sympathy and shrieks from classmates, though...

Andi said...

update- jack is running around now. i think he just had sore legs or something. polio has been avoided.

emily said...

I met a kid once (when I was doing a practicum in college) who was playing outside and screamed (just for fun) so loud that he popped every blood vessel in his face and neck (he had dark skin to begin with but there was a purplish tinge to his face) including the vessels in his eyes (needless to say, his eyes resembled yours).*


*Top that (parentheses wise).

kjl said...

So sorry about your eyeball, Erika! I'm glad it sounds like nothing serious. I would have completely freaked out too. Thank goodness for Google since your doctor's not available! :)

John Hendrix said...

I can confirm that andrea is a schizo-chondriac

That is super freaky that screaming loud can blow up your head.

E- I think rabbits get that a lot. Does that help?

LauraLunch said...

In my life, I've had a lot of illnesses. Things like, Hepetitus C, Parkinson's, Brain Tumors, Pregnancy, Lupus and Ovarian Cancer. I survived all in a matter of days. I'm pulling for your Bacterial Menengitus to go away just as quickly.

Crabby Rangoon said...

Note to self:

Don't sneeze, ski, scream, become a rabbit, or look at the internet ever again.

Dani said...

Okay... these last two comments above by Laura and yourself made me giggle enough for the whole week. I especially like how Laura lumped pregnancy into a list of diseases. :)

bmildren said...

ERika!!!! That's such a traumatic yet hilariously told story! I'm glad your gross, red eye ball sore thing hemmorage is okay. I'll be praying for you!!!!!!!!!

Your very jealous of the eyepatch friend,

Beth