This morning I woke up with this on my eyeball:
YIKES! Freaked me out, let me tell you. In fact, as I write this post, I'm having trouble looking at it. Need to write alot and quickly so the picture scoots up the page and I can stop staring at it. Oh, so gross.
Ok, that's better. [I very much doubt that when I actually post this sucker my little joke is going to translate onto the actual blog page, but whatever. For what it's worth, the image is no longer visible on the page I'm working on, and I'm in charge here and I say the joke stays.]
After flipping out for a few minutes (which including some high-pitched shrieking and dancing around, in between bouts of near fainting spells 'caused by looking at my little bloody eyeball patch which I sadistically couldn't keep from staring at even though it nearly made me collapse each time), my bleary-eyed husband (ha! he was bleary-eyed and I was bloody-eyed) stumbled out of bed and went straight to the computer to look up my symptoms (after looking at my eye first, of course).*
I'd never seen anything like this before in my life, especially not on my set of eyeballs. I just woke up with it. Weird. I immediately called my boss and told her I would be a little late to work, made my husband pull out the map and find the nearest hospital, and then I set about to self-diagnose myself.
We think I have this.
We eventually came to the conclusion that I was not dying, nor had a brain hemorrhage, nor did I need an immediate emergency eyeball transplant. I just needed to wait for it to go away. It doesn't affect my eyesight and I'm not in pain, so no big deal. I think. I did try several times today to go see my doctor, but he wasn't available. I might go tomorrow.
I sound very sane now, which is a good thing, but usually I give myself a MUCH, MUCH bleaker outlook. Which brings me to a little confession. I LOVE to roam the internet world anytime I feel even the slightest bit ill, scouring google for the answers to what ails me. Most of the time my diagnoses are terrible. (Oh, I can't believe I'm admitting this all to you folks on the world wide web, but keeping a blog somehow makes you want to be brutally and humiliatingly honest. It's a curse.) Over the years I've been one very sick girl, virtually speaking. This afternoon I delved a little deeper into my symptoms and, for about 5 minutes, was pretty sure I had bleeding peptic ulcers, the kind with few noticeable symptoms. I know it's a bit of a stretch to go from bleeding eyeballs to ulcers, but with google anything is possible. Perhaps the worst example was when I once decided the pain in my neck was a sure sign I had bacterial meningitis, when in reality I just needed a new pillow.
They aren't kidding when they tell you the internet is dangerous. One of these days I really will contract some crazy disease, realize the truth after an appointment with Dr Google, second-guess myself and think maybe I'm actually fine, and then wake up dead. You'll all be so sorry then, won't you?
*The most parentheses I've ever used in 1 sentence, and quite possibly my whole life. Sorry.